canvas of my life

while I was desperately trying to find you
I lost myself in spite of never finding who I really was
all the sleepless nights thinking of you
all the tears falling down my broken face
all the memories I owned of you
just made up in my head
imagination of perfection
more mistakes you had, more I wanted you
my heart was full of that
although
you were never there
you were never mine
and still
I was loved
so many times
however I coudn't give it back
I couln't love you back
cause I have no inside
even if I tried
and oh God, maybe I really tried
sometimes the hate is just hidden love
such a beautiful lie
I hate you, I love you
you know what really hurts?
this shitty sentence " I don't fucking mind"!
I don't care how you are
more I say it, more I lie
to myself
and
I wanna know how does it feel
to die

how many people loved me?
so many
so many even I don't get it
how many I loved back?
noone instead
I am fucking ashamed of this mess
except only one
there was a moment I felt a thing
moreless
but I am not proud of it
nothing to bless

while I was desperately trying to find you
I lost myself in your eyes
and I hate me for that
I really do
because I don't know who you are
so I died for nothing
no existence, no chance
something bottle of whisky made up
and my fingers painted on canvas
while the smoke let me die
remembering the wind
blowing in my hair, drying my eyes
and when it was done, I couldn't be more satisfied
with fucking the start of my life up

please
tell me
how does it feel to love
is it better than feeling alive?
is it better than painfull smile?
if yes
give me one sign
and I will fall in love
not forever
however I promise
I will try


tears of glass